Top 50 Best Jokes (According to Some Brits)

Apparently, some British researchers gathered more than a 1000 jokes and had 36,000 people sift thru them for a Top 50 Funniest Jokes list of sorts. The collection below (of course some of them are a lot funnier if you're British) -

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

49. A seal walks into a club...

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '

39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '

31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '

28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'

24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '

23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'

18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '

14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'

2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Had a good laugh? I did :D

Spyderco Swick: Wickedly Nice

If you’re a guy, chances are the very first time you see the Spyderco Swick, there’s that visceral “Wow! Pare ganda nyan!” (“Wow man, that’s cool!”) factor that’s going to be turned on. You find yourself being drawn uncontrollably to touch it and slip it into your grasp. You then realize that that was somewhat of a bad idea since you feel you don’t want to let go of it ever. It feels THAT natural in your hand!

BACKGROUND

The Swick is a diminutive fixed blade manufactured by Spyderco Knives of Golden, Colorado in the US. As any knife and gear aficionado knows, this company has a lofty standing built on the excellent designs and performance of its knives. The word “cutting edge” definitely applies to them as well because of their innovative use of modern, hi-tech materials and superior grade metals for their blades. Most importantly, a lot of the standard features that we see in the more contemporary folding knives today were first introduced by Spyderco.

IMPRESSIONS AND DESCRIPTION

Mine is the first production run of this knife and I’ve had it since 2004. Primarily designed for neck-carry mode, it’s a small, bare metal fixed blade devoid of scales or any other attachments. The benefit is that it lessens the weight and the bulky imprint effect when clothing is worn above it. It does have a small hole drilled on the handle’s butt which I think would be for a lanyard. The blade’s shape based on how the spine narrows to a point is called a wharncliffe design. Personally, it’s a very functional design. It has a cutting edge of 2 1/8" encased by friction in a kydex plastic sheath. A ball chain is also provided to wear around your neck. I replaced this with military cord to vary modes of carry, such as strapping it around your backpack’s strap.

The first time I held it, I was a bit surprised that it did have just a hint of heft without really being noticeable. I suppose I was thinking it weighed like air since it was very small. This was not really an issue since in the long run, being too small while being extremely light might work against it, which is reminding you that despite its size, you are still wearing a blade.

As I’ve alluded to earlier, Spyderco is known for the famed ergonomics of their knives. Hobbyists describe that they design their knives “in the dark” to limit the complication of visual bias. I don’t know how true this reverence for design is but they certainly are right about how good it feels in the hand. Its pistol-shaped handle strongly mimics a forward grip and it has a hole for where the trigger housing that nicely fits your index finger in. The added benefit is the retention it affords. It’s like having your own animal claw!

PERFORMANCE

S30V, the stainless steel it’s made from has had a lot of expectations going for it. This was steel specifically designed for cutlery by Crucible Particle Metallurgy also in the US. Not even a decade old, this recently developed wonder steel was said to combine the functional attributes of structural strength and edge-holding. Yes, I remember how sharp it was when I drew it out of its sheath the first couple of times because it sliced some pieces of the sheath itself! It shaved my hairy legs too. I was able to carve on wood with this thing and even execute some irregular shapes and details. It’s certainly a delight to have a sharp knife when doing these tasks. The blade sharpness also held for a very long time even after many cutting chores on various items.

That being said, there’s going to be a sticky point that I have to mention. After sometime, the cutting edge suffered noticeably large chips. This was a big letdown for the much lauded S30V steel. To be fair though, many things in the manufacturing process could’ve contributed to this. Moreover, some more knowledgeable on cutlery also advised that this damaged layer would gradually harden as you cut and resharpen more. And it did get better as time passed, though the steel did become a bit of a chore to sharpen-up using just a regular flat kitchen stone.

One could easily classify this as a self-defense weapon than a utility knife, but I think this would be looking at it narrowly and missing its fullest potential. I could imagine emergency professionals or those involved in hazardous occupations would appreciate such a design.

Lastly, as I sometimes wear it next to my skin in neck carry, it did have some slight rusting spots. Maybe it’s my acidic sweat coupled with the humid tropical environment that caused it? It just takes a bit of care with an oily rag to deal with this.

SUMMARY

This is certainly a very specific knife design that may not suit everybody. Its design might also be restrictively alarming to bring it out in public. The price point is also a bit high for non-knife enthusiasts.

The sad part though is that it is no longer in production although Spyderco has at times launched variations of this knife briefly (termed “sprit runs” for these short and limited production items). There was even a fantastic second generation version, the Swick II, which is the embodiment of what I secretly wanted in mine. See for yourself, it’s bigger (which I wanted) but now with a leaf-shaped blade. It also has holes drilled should you opt to attach scales on the handle.

(Swick II photo from http://www.spyderco.com/)

If you search diligently in the web though, you might just chance one on some online retailers.

Pros:

· Very well-designed

· Excellent edge holding

· Multiple carry modes (if you’re creative enough)

Cons:

· Discontinued (!)

· Initial chipping of the cutting edge

· Price point: on the higher end

· Slight rusting/tarnishing issues

Personal Preferences:

· Already realized in the second generation model

The Kazusabori Method for Obtaining Water

Digging a deep well for an African community

Sustainability of resources is a key issue to becoming more environmentally responsible. I was watching a docu on all things Japanese on a local channel sometime back and caught this feature about a method of digging up water with the simplest of materials. This is especially invaluable to third-world countries like ours with meager resources and material infrastructure.

The link below is the site of the Japanese NGO, the International Water Project group, that makes use of this simple technology to help developing countries obtain water -

http://homepage3.nifty.com/iwp/english/english.htm

Below is a video. If I can gather-up some guys, I'm really wanting to try it out sometime.

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The Three R’s of Training

Let’s begin with this revealing video from Matt Thornton of Straight Blast Gym in the US –

First off, I agree with the thrust of what he’s trying to demonstrate. For any serious student of martial arts, the concept of “aliveness” should be an integral part of one’s training program. You could probably train all your life and not really be getting to the meat-and-potatoes of the art/style/system that you're doing. It would be just be a series of empty physical movements devoid of its intended function; that of preparing you to defend yourself if and when that time comes. Otherwise, you might as well do something else like badminton or swimming.

That being said however, it’s HOW you introduce it in your training program that makes the difference. As I've mentioned before, HOW something is taught and learned can be far more relevant than WHAT is being taught. I've heard of horror stories of a martial arts instructor who had newbie students with very little training time spar outright. The results aren't surprising: serious injuries of unprepared and undeveloped students.

Any decent and knowledgeable instructor will know how to gradually introduce “aliveness” to those ready for it since it is as much the end result of one’s dedication and exposure as an attribute of the training program. Simply, it’s a matter of progression to those who can already give and take it.

Whether solo training or with a group, allow me to introduce these three elements of FSD training:

Regimented – That is, it should be structured or have some degree of formal set-up so as to produce tangible results in one’s performance. Your program should allow you to schedule it regularly, have a place or resources set-up for it, and have levels of progression. Be consistent, both in practice and effort. Your security and life deserve more effort than just a passing, half-hearted, hanky panky activity.

Resistance – Semantics aside, this is the core of what the video above tries to present. Adding resistance, which is the element of force and aggression keeps you on your toes and forces you to actually feel and adapt to what might potentially happen out there should you meet trouble. Is it a 100% assurance? No, but it would be better than nothing. The bad guys out there won’t be as polite or as friendly as your sparring or training partner.

Realism – Goes hand in hand with the above. Get acquainted with the environment and settings. The “comfort” and "ease" afforded by a nice, clean mat floor with you dressed in your gi uniform or exercise clothes won’t be the same as out there in the mean streets. The street itself is out to get you, will all its dirt, debris, structures and potential hazards. The more you mimic the conditions you may encounter outside with all its various daily scenarios, the better.

Be safe/Ingat!

The Glorietta Blast Incident: New Probe Sought

I bought my copy of the Inquirer today and happen to see this article. This happened three years ago. I remember the collective shock it all gave us and the maddening investigations that followed. Was it a deliberate act of terrorism/mass murder or just a God-forsaken accident? The PNP said it was just the result of an unfortunate build-up of methane gas. Huh!? Frankly, I remember muttering to myself: "Katarantaduhan 'to!" (This is utter bullshit!) after seeing a diagram on PDI as well detailing what might've caused the explosion. (I really wish I could find that specific diagram now but a search didn't turn up anything on the newspaper's archives).

Now, I admit I have no background EOD or forensic chemistry, but sometimes those in power can dissuade "authorities" or "experts" to bend facts to suit them. It was after all just a humble, little, insignificant boy that squealed to the world that the emperor wasn't wearing anything and he was just plain naked. I suspect I may not be the only one.

I felt so strongly about it that I told my father and texted some acquaintances about it (one of them being a security consultant for an international firm). Of course it fueled talks that this event was orchestrated to divert attention from the on-going probe of ZTE Scandal, one of the many sordid legacies of former President Gloria Arroyo.

Some links of this article and its supplement on PDI's online site -

http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquirerheadlines/nation/view/20101020-298687/Explosive-not-gas-blasted-Glorietta-2

http://www.inquirer.net/specialreports/gloriettablast/view.php?db=1&article=20101020-298688

On Being Courageously YOU

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy... or they become legend.

- Jim Harrison
Legends of the Fall

I, Metatheist

Frankly speaking, I have no religion per se but like the majority brought up in this country, I was brought-up Roman Catholic and all the traditions and morés that that entails. Regardless of what it is, if your religion is a central or a valuable aspect in your life, live it well then. I feel though that it should not define the individual. Rather, it is we who should define it.

Over the years I have been influenced by the nuances of Zen, Taoism, Hinduism, aspects of Islam and snippets from other beliefs, even the mind-boggling frontiers of theoretical physics and quantum mechanics (of what little I could understand of it of course). I then decided to involve myself in spirituality which has always been a journey of sorts. A spiritual journey that has taken many since long ago to venture far-off for a while, yet the return to oneself has always been the destination.

Spirituality and its pursuit has always been a matter of one’s faith and not religion. Religion is nothing more than a human societal construct called an institution. As with many other institutions, it develops and matures only as man does. It is restricted to man’s continual evolution or devolution, as history has time and again proven. Religious institutions since time immemorial have tried to preach that their way was the only way, of reducing everyone distinctly as believers and infidels, of “us” who know the way to salvation and “them” who don’t. Even now, wars and conflicts are still being fought over it.

Unlike religion though, faith is a matter of personal expression to the divine and it should be far bigger than what your religion expects you to do. Religion prescribes, your faith is your own. Religion excludes, faith considers. Religion bounds, faith liberates. Religion divides, faith integrates and unifies. As religion only asks the question, your faith is your response. Don’t let religion get in the way of you knowing God. Furthermore, do not let the idea of "God" get in the way of you BEING.

It seems that a poignant reality of humanity is that it looks at the world narrowly thru an unfortunate orientation; himself. Think about it, why do we anthromorphize things, living or otherwise, around us? Why do we name our modes of transport, usually with a woman’s name? Why do we try to talk to them even though we know they do not have the facility of language or comprehension? Why do we “see” our apparent likeness in the randomness of everything? At one extreme, why do we imbue human attributes to our pets, treating them like human children?

After all, can you blame Leonardo da Vinci, one of humanity’s greatest thinkers, to come up with this idea, as if haughtily raising himself (man) “as the measure of all things”?

If we are to consider the universal concept of God as the “supreme being”, I believe this would be an awkward endeavor. Though supreme, he would still be but a mere “being” leading once again to our natural disposition of trying to define the personhood of God. This is “embodied” in the familiar and often baffling Catholic doctrine of the Holy Trinity who are/is comprised of “three persons in one God”. After all, isn’t a person something we could all relate to? This person would, as expected, be framed within our familiar reference of the images of a father, shepherd, judge, law-giver, provider, etc. Again, mere aspects of man “himself”.

God is not actually a “He” or even a “She” as espoused by some, like the early Christian Gnostics. We can not reduce God into a being. If we are to believe that God is everything we hope “It” to be, it can not be appeased by prayer. It can not be bribed or bought by good works. It can not be jealous or insecure with our lesser attempts of worship. It can not be prodded to choose just one side and disregard the other. It does not reward eternity only to its faithful ones and render harsh judgment on those who have no belief in it. It does not make distinctions between great or small, major or minor. God is far above all these lesser attributes and emotions we have rendered upon it. As Lao Tzu who was dazzled by the dao said: "Heaven and earth are ruthless, and treat the myriad creatures as straw dogs".

Attempting to define God is a lost cause, virtually impossible by the mere reckoning of our limited intellect. Regrettably, it is our frail knowledge that attempts to bring its understanding towards us when it is we who should come to it. God is the source (Alpha) and conclusion (Omega) of everything. Thus, to know God is to be one with God.

If we are to believe in the idea that there is some great, noble purpose for our lives, it would be seeking to return and be united with the absolute of God. As the Hindu sages have taught us, we being the small spark of “atman”, the individual self, must return to the great immutable fire of the “Brahman” or the great self. It is then a matter of aligning or attuning ourselves to that greater frequency, of allowing ourselves to go with the flow of the great river and just as Islam’s true meaning would move us to do: to submit or surrender ourselves to God.

Ultimately, I would want for “God” to be irrelevant and unnecessary. As an act of great evolution by our species, we need to transcend this current idea of who God is into something much, much more.